Additional coverage: http://onion.com/1gP7gFy 

The nation's top researchers concluded that you can't hide how stoned you are and that you should be freaking out if you aren't already.

Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion
Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion
More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video/